Our experience!
We adopted 2 children, although they are not biologically related. She always had attachment disorders due to early life trauma (a pull/push strategy) and challenging behaviours, we attended Theraplay, therapeutic life story work and she’d recently started EMDR, we also attended many parenting sessions over the years under the ASF. We both attended our own adoption-based therapy and an NVR course.
Our child was the birth child of a drug addict removed at birth; we had no idea of what was to come.
AS was finally diagnosed with full FASD and secondary ADHD after a traumatic few years when we could not understand his behaviours, and school was impossible for him. The Consultant said drug addiction and alcohol addiction go hand in hand – this had never been mentioned by the LA or in the adoption process. AS was out of full-time education for 2 years due to delays and no SEND school placement. A deeply traumatic time for all, as caring for his extreme needs was challenging. Due to an understanding of his condition and doing all we can, he is much more settled now but still needs a careful and strict routine to keep him feeling safe and well.
Our other child’s behaviours of lying, disruption in the home, attention seeking however she could, often in dangerous ways, ignoring of basic safety rules, sabotage and manipulation and control grew as her brother needed so much attention simply to be safe. Being called to primary school to discuss elaborate lies and behaviours was distressing, we were referred to MASH several times, but nothing came of it.
We soon had Covid to cope with, and I was going through early Menopause. (I started taking anti-depressants to help with my anxiety trying to survive around both children and mentioned in my GP records it was AD’s behaviour starting in 2015). Home was a war zone most of the time, even when ‘calm’, it was a military plan to keep them apart or engaging positively for the short time we were able. Every trip/event/plan we made was ruined, stressful, and traumatic due to both children’s high needs – EVERY time.
My partner and I often lived apart with one child each just to survive. If we had a holiday one would go, we’d stay together for a couple of nights, then the other would stay the rest of the week. We could not coexist without damage and trauma to us all emotionally and sometimes physically with fighting between the children. My partner has a job where he must work away 1-2 nights a week and this has always left both children to me when they both needed 1:1 support, AS ideally needs 2:1 due to his disability and needs. He has 1:1 at his SEND school.
We felt AD potentially had borderline personality disorder due to her ability to switch from reasonable to something completely different, just like that. It was all put down to attachment. She has since been diagnosed with ADHD.
Summer holidays 2019 were too much, trying to cope. We asked SS for help, and we were put under CIN. Nothing came of this, and we were left.
We fought the LA and managed to get AS respite via the CDT team, this was only because the Local Ombudsman took our case and took nearly a year, this in itself was a very traumatic experience.
Summer holidays 2020 were again too much, we asked for help and were put under CIN, (Child In Need). A new young social worker with no adoption experience took our case. Due to what AD was saying (a lot fabricated and embellished) we were escalated to S47 and CP (Child Protection), from Nov 21- March 22. Don’t get me wrong, we were in a traumatic place for all of us, unable to co-exist, but again nothing came of this, no respite for AD, just time-consuming meetings going round in circles. AD stayed with family when partner was away for work, I feel this made her resentment of her brother even more. He could not stay with them as they cannot manage his needs.
During 2022 we tried all we could, we were left with nothing, nothing changed, no support. We asked the LA to consider weekly boarding school for AD so we could recharge in the week and parent 1:1 each child at the weekends. I sent over a cost comparison of this, it would cost less than AD going into foster care. Social workers came and went, some just disappeared, none were effective in their role. It was often ‘I’ll ask my manager’ and we never heard anything again.
May 2022 our child engaged in sexualised touching and made threats to kill our other child.
We put ring cameras in the home and kept the children apart unless we could focus 1:2 on them which is impossible 24/7. Our child had a history of roaming the house at night trying to find gaming options to connect with anyone she could, which led to unhealthy situations.
Summer holidays 2022 were very traumatic. We had an option to go away to a friend’snewholidayhomebutcouldnottakeourchildformanyreasons. Onewas the clashing and trauma/drama always caused when she is around. Also, two of the families have jobs in teaching and law, so could not risk being around a child who was a known fabricator. Also, one of the other children knew our child and did not want to go if she was going.
That week showed us how traumatic and stressful every minute of our lives is as that stress wasn’t there. Our other child was able to play, engage and have fun with other children as despite his huge disability he does not have the attachment disorders/traits of his sibling. You could say we are not entitled to relax; we chose to adopt these 2 children; my answer is no-one can function 24/7 for years of stress and every human being deserves a break. AD went to stay with a family member and had a good week with treats planned every day. Although we acknowledge this was far from ideal, this was after years of coping, and it was one week.
When we returned behaviours increased hugely and our child, now the same height, was squaring up to me. Sometimes she simply had to go for a walk, sit in her room, do something for us to calm AS if he was having a meltdown, often triggered by her, and she refused. Together with teen hormones and moods, at the end of August her back chatting and disrespect whilst we tried to do all we could and give her all we can made me snap. Nothing was good enough for her. I was at the point of an emotional breakdown. As she’s matured, she gaslights me, my fragile coping mechanisms gave up. I was panicking just being around her.
My partner lived separately with her for a few weeks, and we sought solicitors’ advice, informing the LA we wanted Section 20. Living apart was hard, and my partner was going downhill trying to cope with AD alone. It was a distressing situation for all. We discussed splitting up and living with one child each. But we don’t want to live apart, we’re a team, a marriage, a couple, albeit a fractured one with no time together, even when there is time it’s temporary and we’re bracing ourselves for our ‘normal’.
The LA kept saying there were no placements and our solicitor recommended we leave our child at school, so they had to place her. We said we’d do this, but the social worker said keep her at home, prepare her and wait for our call. It didn’t happen. Wewaitedtwodaysandleftheratschool. ThiswasTHEmosttraumatic day of our lives, sickening, stressful, devastating.
She was finally moved well after school ended to a placement 40 minutes away in a family home, a taxi was provided to and from school. The cost of this placement and the taxi/chaperone far exceeds our suggestion of a private boarding school locally.
Fast forward four months in a foster placement where she was given very little care, no nurture and far too much freedom for a vulnerable child (expected to get trains alone at night, no lifts, no TLC, mocking and bullying), she refused to go back one night. She said she would run away, self-harm and try to kill herself. The foster carer resented any contact with us and actively dismissed us and belittled us to our child. This is where we are now. Hoping for another foster placement – a decent one this time.
All adoption support surrounding this has been dropped for AD and us, now that she is not in her family home. No adoption support social worker, no ASF. This needs to change. If she was still living at home, she’d have access to trauma therapy until she was 21! Now she has nothing.
What needs to change is:
Listening to adoptive parents. Active positive respite opportunities offered easily, or at least some consideration to solutions offered like ours of private weekly boarding. This would have been so much less damaging for our child. We were told normal social services couldn’t help as this was the education budget. What is right for the child should come first not budget crossovers. Everything; SEN, disability, trauma, stress, mental health, all these things need care and there is nothing offered.
Funding for professionals seems to be at management level with not enough ‘on the ground’ where it is needed. All social workers are too busy, too stretched.
Treatment and care for the adoptive parents should be different to birth parents who have had their child removed. Requesting your child be accommodated is devastating and an absolute last resort, these children have already experienced severe trauma, they are not the same, they need extra care and understanding not just random social workers with no understanding making life changing decisions.