I did not cause the trauma my children suffered in the womb and early years. I do everything to alleviate the impact and make their lives as full of love and as normal as possible.
As their mother I know that I am their rock but as anyone who knows anything about child development will be aware, a child who does not experience safety and rewarding relationships in the womb and early stages of life, will function in a dysregulated, impulsive, non-reflective, chaotic way with regards to their emotions and behaviour. My children suffered varying degrees of significant heart-breaking, life-threatening physical abuse, emotional abuse, and neglect (one of my children is lucky to be alive given the extent of broken bones received at six months old, and the purposeful burns made to his body), all of which has been documented. Hence, they live in fight or flight mode with attachment difficulties, and our home is more often than not like a war zone, as one child kicks off and the other two react with verbal and physical abuse against me and each other: it is not their fault, it is how their brains work. I was never equipped to manage this level of behaviour. I have believed for years that I am failing, that I am not good enough, but I have come to realise that it is the adoption system that has failed: it is the system that is not good enough.
Emotionally the cost is unbearable, and nothing is helping. I have been battered by my children emotionally and physically, they try and control my every move, and sabotage the positive steps I take. So, what do I do other than live with the unliveable, the trauma and disruption that I must face on a daily basis. I lie awake each night feeling guilty for not parenting in the ‘right way’, for being too exhausted to manage, for feeling inadequate – I don’t even recognise myself as
the person who went through the adoption process with so much confidence and hope. As siblings they also suffer some level of trauma from each other. I see the look of adoration in the eyes of the youngest sibling for his brother, who hurts him emotionally and physically. I constantly worry about the confusion this causes to that young child, and the impact it is having on his development.
Nobody sees the reality, understands the complexity, the trauma, the intensity, and the pain, but they always question the love and the family makeup. Do we love each other despite everything, despite not being biologically related? My answer to that is YES, YES, YES.
I am not alone in this cycle of trauma, supposedly only a 1⁄4 of adoptions are stable, so why isn’t more being done to ensure that the children can get the relevant support needed to thrive. How many adopted children are returned to care because the parents cannot manage? Providing the right kind of help in the initial stages would prevent disruption, which is so damaging to all concerned, especially the children. I am left wondering why none of the so-called experts, none of the social workers, none of the managers have asked for reform. Surely there must be someone out there who can see beyond the status quo, which is so damaging to families in crisis.
We need different processes. Therapeutic parenting cannot be taught in the aftermath of a crisis when families are already suffering trauma, it needs to be taught before. We need scheduled informal check-ins by experienced professionals to look for the early warning signs of emotional and behavioural difficulties; to ask the parents how they are managing. Not a tick box exercise that makes adoptive parents feel degraded (something I have experienced many times whilst trying to access support), but one where parents are able to openly express their concerns, and their feelings without detrimental judgement. One where they are received with empathy and understanding and appropriate advice.
Advice needs to be by professionals with qualifications relevant to trauma, including early life trauma, child development, attachment, therapeutic parenting. We need respite, it’s not good enough for our friends and family to step in because sometimes they just don’t understand what is going on. Local authorities should have crisis panels, with people who have lived and breathed similar experiences, so the advice can be real, appropriate and accurate. All too often we are told the advice we got at the beginning of our adoption process was wrong, and out of date. So here we are being condemned for following it. It’s time for the Local Authorities to become fully aware of the reality of the experiences of many adopters, and not ignore the truth that is illustrated through the stories conveyed in this important, and unique document. Adopted children, and their ‘forever families’, need to know that they are fully supported so that they can survive the traumas and emerge as healthy families looking forward to a positive future.
Lottie Stones