Summary of feelings about the experience and the frustration
Systemic failures in the adoption system and within Local Authorities have a very real impact – emotionally, physically and financially – on entire families, specifically parents and their ability to parent their children into adulthood and, of course, on their adopted children.
Lack of support, delay and poor communication in times of need and compassion, lets us down, introducing the real risk of family breakdown and a poor outcome for young people who deserve more. Very limited early adoption support requires tenacity and the ability to take and defend against parent blaming at a time when parents need support, not the courage to keep asking for help, only to be turned away and left to get on with it. It takes real courage to admit that your child is violent and controlling in your home and to ask for help – we’re all supposed to cope. Without support over time, needs and therefore behaviours escalate, and this introduces unacceptable levels of risk into a previously safe home. Post- adoption support, a joined-up agency/department approach and the willingness to treat parents as partners are all inadequate. Box-ticking and passing responsibility is, however, common-place.
What needs to be better?
Put in place post adoption support throughout from early years, through teens to adulthood. This needs to be guaranteed, not something we have to fight for. Improved awareness, knowledge and understanding of the enduring impact of trauma and not expecting adoption to be the answer – far from it.
Professionals (social workers, CAMHS, schools, LAs) should work with parents as partners. We know our children best. So, listen to us and work with us instead of judging us, suggesting that it’s as simple as needing to set clear boundaries or, worse, sending us on another parenting course as a quick fix and another box ticked.