We Adopted Two Children, But Four Months Later We Were Forced to Put Them in Care When Our Son, 5, Threatened to Kill Us
Published: 12:01, 11 Feb 2025 | Updated: 12:01, 11 Feb 2025 By Martha Cliff, Commissioning Editor
It had taken years of preparation—countless meetings, parenting classes, and personal reflection—but at last, Polly* and her husband, Andrew*, were able to call two children their son and daughter.
Aware of the difficult start these children had experienced in life, Polly was confident she could provide the loving, stable home they deserved. Yet, she never imagined that, just four months later, she and Andrew would be saying goodbye to their adopted children forever.
“The idea of giving them back never even entered my mind, and the reality was horrific,” Polly says.
The couple, who have been together for 12 years, had never wanted children of their own. Instead, they longed to provide a safe, nurturing home for children in need.
“I had no interest in carrying a baby,” Polly explains. “I felt like I had the right experience to support a child who had experienced trauma. Having gone through trauma myself in my teens and coming out the other side, I wanted to help another child do the same.”
Polly and Andrew began considering adoption in 2017, fully aware they would not be welcoming a “perfect” child. “We certainly didn’t go into the experience blind,” Polly says. “I used to get frustrated when I’d meet couples looking for a ‘perfect’ child. It was unrealistic.”
They were educated about the potential behaviors and challenges they might face as adoptive parents. However, the reality was far more intense than they had anticipated.
In November 2023, Polly and Andrew were matched with Billy*, 5, and his sister Ava*, 4.
“Our social worker implied they were the ‘Holy Grail’ of children to adopt,” Polly recalls. “We took every parenting course available to us, we thought we were ready for whatever came our way.”
Despite knowing of the children’s history of alcohol abuse and domestic violence, Polly and Andrew were still unprepared for the level of trauma that arrived with Billy and Ava.
In April 2024, Polly and Andrew welcomed the siblings into their home, believing this was the start of a new family life. However, it wasn’t long before Polly realized Billy’s needs were far greater than she had been led to believe.
A Parent’s Struggle
Billy’s behavior quickly escalated. “It was very push and pull. Sometimes he’d want us with him, other times he wouldn’t want anything to do with us,” Polly says. “He seemed to need control over the household and would try to manipulate us and his sister. I believe this was the only way he felt safe.”
Concerned, Polly reached out to their social worker for help. She requested a trauma assessment for Billy, but was told they couldn’t move forward until he had been with them for six months.
As the days went by, Billy’s behavior grew increasingly violent. “I was a little taken aback at first, but I didn’t think too much of it because I knew he was going through constant change,” Polly says. “But it escalated into regular biting, kicking, punching, and throwing things around the lounge.”
Then came the threats.
The Breaking Point
Polly vividly recalls one of the most terrifying moments: “A couple of months in, Billy started threatening to kill us.” One evening, when Polly tried to take Ava to safety after Billy attempted to pull her from her high chair, Polly returned downstairs to find Billy holding a knife.
*”I’ll never forget what my social worker said when I mentioned it: ‘It’s only a butter knife,’” Polly says.
Billy’s behavior continued to spiral, and Polly felt increasingly unsafe. “I was constantly on edge, waiting to be attacked or to need to get Ava out of harm’s way,” she says.
Polly and Andrew were desperate for help. They sent numerous emails to their social worker, hoping for intervention, but received little support. Then one day, an incident pushed Polly to breaking point.
“We were on our way home, and Billy threw his scooter on the floor,” Polly remembers. “When I refused to pick it up, he urinated on the living room carpet. On another occasion, after a disagreement over a toy, he looked me dead in the eye, lifted my top, and tried to bite me.”
A Heartbreaking Decision
Polly reached out to the Regional Director of Social Services in a desperate email, explaining that they could no longer continue as they were. Rather than receiving the support they hoped for, the couple was met with the most heartbreaking decision of their lives—putting Billy and Ava back into care.
“At that point, I was frightened of my son,” Polly admits. “We had a strong bond with our daughter, but the decision was made to keep the siblings together. I wish we could have stayed parents to our daughter and had a relationship with our son, but now we have no contact with either of them.”
A week later, Polly and Andrew’s two children left their home for good.
“I will never be able to describe the utter shame and heartbreak I felt in that moment,” Polly reflects. “Our daughter told me she loved me as we said our goodbyes. I think she knew she wasn’t coming back. The thought of giving these children back after we welcomed them into our lives is unimaginable. It still feels so unreal.”
A Lasting Impact
In the weeks that followed, Polly and Andrew struggled to readjust to their old lives. “The gravity of it was so huge to process,” Polly says. “I don’t even want to live in the same area anymore. I was embedded in the community, I made friends at my son’s school, the parks, the cafes—everything is tainted with memories of them.”
It has been six months since Polly last saw her children, and the disruption has had a lasting impact. “I’m now at an age where I wouldn’t consider having children of my own,” Polly says. “The experience we had means I wouldn’t adopt again. I’m not even sure we’d be allowed to.”
Not Alone, But Still Let Down
Through the experience, Polly has learned that thousands of families face similar struggles. She’s since partnered with the campaign group PATCH (Passionate Adopters Targeting Change with Hope), a group dedicated to ensuring children and families receive the right services and interventions after adoption.
“It was enormously comforting to know we weren’t alone in our situation,” Polly says. “But equally worrying that so many families are being let down by this system.”
Polly’s experience has led her to believe that both she and Billy were let down by the adoption system. “I’m not here to shame Billy,” she adds. “He did nothing wrong. He’s a child and was just as let down by the system as I was.”
Fiona Wells, founder of PATCH, comments: “The true scale of the adoption crisis is being overlooked, whether by denial or neglect. Hundreds of adopters share their struggles with PATCH, revealing a system that removes children due to trauma yet fails to provide the support needed for recovery.”
The Way Forward
Polly’s story is one of heartbreak, frustration, and loss, but she remains determined to use her experience to make a change. “I believe everything happens for a reason,” she says. “This happened to me so I could use my tenacity to make a change in the system.”